Loon Patrol

Crazy Motorist Howls at Moon, So We Came to Take Him Away, Ho-ho, He-he, Ha-ha! Or, A Night on “Loon Patrol”

By Ken K. Gourdin,

With Officer Shanelle Boyd, Salt Lake City P.D.

Author’s Note: This piece originally ran in the Spring 2004 edition of The Utah Peace Officer, the quarterly publication for members of the Utah Peace Officers Association ___________________________________________

One night as they were completing an Afternoon shift, Officer Boyd and her back-up unit received the call over their mobile data terminals: “Subject standing in middle of street,” came the first message. The progression from innocuous encounter to troubling incident, however, was rapid: “Subject now creating disturbance,” came the second message, “howling at moon!”  Surely, both officers had the same thought simultaneously: This oughta be interesting!  I’ve never encountered a real, life werewolf before!

When they arrived, however, they did not come across a situation which called for the use of pepperspray or batons or firearms to neutralize a beastly threat.  Instead, this situation called for something which neither of them had on hand at the moment: a straitjacket!  And they were once again reminded of the lessons law enforcement officers encounter all so frequently: no matter how crazy the animals among us may sometimes get, often the humans get even crazier!  Officer Boyd subsequently received the following “Thank You” note in verse, which was included as an “officially-unofficial” addendum to her report.  (Necessary explanations are included in footnotes.)

Once upon a time in SLC,

there was a motorist frustrated as could be!

He hoped that help would come really soon,

but when none showed up he howled at the moon!

The cops thought he was 10-961

but he was just a poor boy in a real fix!

His wheel was busted, his tire was flat!

And he just didn’t know what to do about that!

And which is more, he locked his keys in the car:

Two blocks from home might not seem very far.

Such a short walk might not seem like a sweat,

But with his crutches locked in, there was reason to fret!2

Officer Boyd summoned help; a tow truck came.

The driver unlocked the car, and he didn’t place blame.

Unlocking the car was rather tough,

but the grateful motorist at last got his stuff.

He needed a lift; he had the car towed.

The police were yet helpful, as this officer showed.

She gave him a lift right to his front door

And there was simply no way he could ever ask more!

This having been said, there’s just one thing to say:

Thank you Officer Boyd, you sure made my day!


1 “Mental subject,” cf. “crazy person,” cf. “loon”

2 Whatever mental conditions the motorist in question may or may not suffer from, it is a verified fact that he has Cerebral Palsy, and he walks with a pair of forearm crutches.

About kenngo1969

Just as others must breathe to live, I must write. I have been writing creatively almost ever since I learned to write, period! I have written fiction, book- and article-length nonfiction, award-winning poetry, news, sports, features, and op-eds. I hope, one day, to write some motivational nonfiction, a decent-selling novel, a stage play, and a screen play.
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