God’s Army and My Own Mission

Imperfect, But Still Useful: Reflections on the Film God’s Army, and on My Own Missionary Service in Light of It

By Ken K. Gourdin

Author’s Note – For more of my reflections on my missionary service, see Ken K. Gourdin (February 1993) “We Did It,” New Era 9, available at: https://www.lds.org/new-era/1993/02/we-did-it?lang=eng last accessed  on June 1, 2014.

Notwithstanding its maker having turned away from the faith, I have always loved Richard Dutcher’s saga of Mormon missionary life, God’s Army.  It reassured me that someone else knows that while missions, contrary to what we hear at so many mission farewells and in the Missionary Training Center (MTC), are not all “sweetness and light,” neither are they all “dullness and drudgery.”  (I recognize the purpose of such spiritually charged meetings and locales: if we told missionaries the unvarnished truth about missions in either case, the world’s missions would practically be bereft of personnel.)  The raison d’etre of the tremendous “spiritual charge” of the MTC is that without it, there’s no way that the vast majority of missionaries would complete their full term of service.

By way of comparison, I recognize the difference between the Church production Labor of Love and God’s Army, respectively.  Each has its place: the latter is intended to put forth the “high points” of missionary service, while the latter is devoted to showing experiences that run the gamut of missionary life–the good, the bad, and the ugly.  While I recognize the difference between the two, I love them both because each fulfills its distinctive purpose so well.

What of the varying levels of “success” among missionaries?  Such productions as God’s Army do much to put that issue into perspective, I think.  In terms of sheer numbers, Mormon’s son, Moroni, wasn’t a very good missionary.  He tried exhorting a totally apostate nation to faithfulness, but was unsuccessful.  In light of that, there were only three things he could do: (1) save his own skin; (2) preserve and abridge the records in his possession for the benefit of future generations; and (3) stand as a silent witness to the tragic downfall of his people.

I’ve always been somewhat ambivalent about my mission in many ways, chiefly because I, in my puniness, had never felt equal to the massive mantle that I, as a missionary, had had placed upon my shoulders.  God’s Army was the first treatment of missionary work I ever experienced that made me exclaim to myself, “Finally!  Somebody gets it!”  Someone finally stared the fact that missions aren’t all sweetness and light in the face and said, “So what?  That’s OK. There’s still value in the valiant-if-imperfect efforts of valiant-if-imperfect people to spread the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ – if nothing else, to stand as witnesses, just as Moroni did.”

Not every door is going to be swung wide open by someone waiting with open arms and an open mind and an open heart.  Not even everyone who gains a testimony of what the missionaries teach them is going to have the courage and commitment necessary to follow through on that knowledge (at least, not immediately upon gaining it: never say “Never”).  There will be a lot of slammed doors, closed minds, and closed hearts.  There’s where that pesky, annoying free will comes in: even if we were to exercise our moral agency in a vastly different way than someone we would seek to have the Holy Spirit influence chooses to do, Christ died for that person’s ability to make that choice—no matter how much we wish he would make a different one.  It’s a missionary’s job to bring people to Christ, hopefully by leading them into the waters of baptism and into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—but if not, then at least as far as they are willing to come.

Often when we read Doctrine and Covenants 18, we tend to overemphasize the “how great shall be your joy if ye shall bring many souls unto me” clause and to conclude, based on the sheer numbers alone, whether someone “failed” in his missionary efforts.  Perhaps we should emphasize the “if ye should labor all your days and should bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the Kingdom of My Father” clause far more than we do.

Speaking generally, there is no question that “success” varies widely from mission to mission and even from missionary to missionary.  We would do well always to remember, as we sometimes inordinately seem to focus on numbers, that behind every number is a name, and behind every name is a person—a real, live, flesh-and-blood human being with a perspective, and fears, and pesky, annoying free will, and perhaps prejudices, all his own.

As the very senior Elder Dalton (Richard Dutcher) reminded his “young tadpole” of a companion, Elder Allen (Matthew A. Brown), only the Holy Spirit could convert: his job was to facilitate communication with it, and, by doing so, hopefully bring people to Christ by helping them to enter into the waters of baptism. Or, failing that, perhaps to plant seeds that would germinate at some future time into a tree bearing the fullness of the fruit of the love of God.  Did Moroni feel like a failure because, rather than accepting his witness and turning from their wicked ways, his apostate nation degenerated even further into iniquity and depravity?  Perhaps.  But how many millions of souls have been brought unto Jesus Christ thanks to his then-unsung efforts to bring forth The Book of Mormon?

In a similar vein, I wrote the following as a missionary regarding my feelings on the purpose of missionary work:

OCEANSIDE, CALIF. – My purpose as a missionary is to bring souls unto Christ, however that may be done.  To touch hearts, minds, souls, and lives, and to bring them [by the Spirit] as close as possible to Christ.

As I lead, some may only desire to come so close to Him; not as close as they could be or should be, but the greatest gift we have been given is the ability to choose.  That is their choice.

Still others will desire to come as close to Him as they can, in which case I will be privileged to teach them His plan, lead them through the gate of baptism into His Church, and give them the gift of His Spirit to guide them along the path to Him.

But no matter who else, if anyone, I bring to Christ.  I must know and I must travel the road to Him myself if indeed am to lead others to Him: “For what doth it profit a man, if he gain the [souls of] the whole world and [yet] lose his own soul?  [Of course, Christ taught His Apostles that “He that saveth his life shall lose it, and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.”   What I was alluding to here is that it is possible for missionaries to get so caught up in the “numbers” that they lose their perspective – their desire to do the work and to quest after obedience—their “soul,” if you will, if the “numbers” don’t match the effort they put forth.]

If indeed I am rejected by any and all, if I nonetheless fulfill my Missionary Commission, then they who reject me would reject Him, were [H]e to visit them.  So did they reject Him when He came to preach His gospel and save them from the very sin they were committing in so doing.

I pray that I may fulfill the measure of my calling to his service.  [Footnote omitted.]1

I also like this, from Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:

[S]ome of our most important plans cannot be brought to pass without the agency and actions of others.  A missionary cannot baptize five persons this month without the agency and action of five other persons.  A missionary can plan and work and do all within his or her power, but the desired result will depend upon the additional agency and action of others.

Consequently, a missionary’s goals ought to be based upon the missionary’s personal agency and action, not upon the agency or action of others.2

Later, I reflected:

OCEANSIDE, CALIF. – As I have contemplated my purpose as a missionary [as] stated herein, I have pondered what I would say if someone were to ask me, “What kind of a missionary are you?”

My answer would likely be something like this: “I am not as faithful, dedicated, and obedient as I could, should, and want to be.  My faults are many, my virtues few.  I pray the Lord’s mercy, that he will overlook the former and magnify the latter.  I pray for his strength, that I may faithfully dedicate myself in obedience to His will, for this is His work and His glory.

“I thank him that despite my weaknesses, He has seen fit to use me as an instrument in His hands to bless the lives of these my brothers and sisters with His gospel.”  [Footnote omitted.]3

My brother, Thomas, testified at my missionary farewell that he felt I wouldn’t see my missionary service as a sacrifice: I would see it as a privilege; and I did.  While I couldn’t necessarily identify with the sacrifices made by the characters in the film, that does not mean that I didn’t encounter several missionaries who laid aside (or forewent altogether) other opportunities in order to be able to serve a mission.  I appreciated the faithfulness inherent in the sacrifices portrayed by several of the characters, such as Sister Fronk’s (Jacque Gray) sacrifice of a marriage relationship in order to gain a testimony and serve a mission, and Elder Dalton’s sacrifice of a medical career to do the latter.

One of the characters with whom I relate strongest in the film isn’t a missionary, but rather a convert: Benjamin “Benny” Yao (Doug Stewart).  Like Benny did at the beginning of the film, I walk with a pair of forearm crutches.  And while my “healing” experience wasn’t as dramatic as Benny’s after Elders Dalton and Allen administered to him in the name of the Savior and by the power of the Melchizedek Priesthood, I was the beneficiary of a similar experience in the MTC.

PROVO, UTAH – I must bear record of what has been far and away my greatest spiritual experience in the MTC thus far.

A few days ago it snowed here in Provo.  Because of my condition [Cerebral Palsy] my legs tend to cram really badly with extended use in extreme weather.  I prayed for my condition to improve, but gradually, it worsened over the next two days until I was literally clenching my teeth with every step.

As I lay in bed that night, unable to sleep because of the pain, the Spirit told me, Ken, have your companions give you a blessing.  I thought of every argument I could to discourage it: they were asleep and I didn’t want to wake them; they would be embarrassed; I would be embarrassed; they wouldn’t know how . . .  But still the Spirit persisted.  I did not obey.  Nonetheless, I was able to get to sleep – eventually.  I was convinced things would be better in the morning.  I was wrong.  They only got worse.   [Although] I was suffering from a condition which is chronic – recurrent – It had never, ever gotten this severe.

By the end of morning class . . . I could no longer stand it.  I took all the elders in the class out into the hall and explained the situation to them.  I was hoping one of them would suggest a blessing [because] I didn’t want to.  Neither [they nor I suggested it.]

One of the instructors [finally] suggested it, took all of the elders into the room, and explained procedures for administration.  [After he did so], Elder Kenison anointed me, and then all of the elders [lay] their hands upon my head with [my companion] Elder Bodrero acting as voice. The sisters were present as well.

At that moment, the Spirit which I had rejected the night before entered the room and filled it – filled it with Peace, Love, Healing Power, and Forgiveness.  And when I arose from that chair, I was healed!  I know that this was in reality a miracle.  I know that it was though the power of faith, and the power and authority of the Priesthood that this was so.  And I will never again doubt the promptings of the Spirit.  [Footnote omitted.]4

On another occasion, I, along with my companion, played the role of conduits in another such precious experience.  A young mother had come to church with her toddler daughter, who had a condition similar to mine, with neurological and musculoskeletal components.  Her daughter was in obvious distress, and mom asked my companion and me to administer to her.  We were simply conduits, witnesses more than participants; as sure as I am that the Lord loves and looks after His missionaries, I know that this is truer by orders of magnitude of others of His Sheep, such as that wee ewe lamb and her mother sheep.  The former was writhing and crying in pain, which ceased almost the moment we laid our hands on her head: not only could we see her relax, but the reaction was palpable – as was the Spirit on this occasion, as well.

I wasn’t a big fan of President Beecroft (John Pentecost) at the beginning of the film: his first encounter in his office with Elder Allen struck me as the type of approach my first mission president would have taken with a missionary (and frankly, I wasn’t a fan of my first mission president, either).  Why, I wondered, did he feel it necessary to take such a seemingly-harsh approach with the exceedingly “green” Elder Allen?  Fortunately, just when I had determined that there was no way President Beecroft could redeem himself of my dislike, following Elder Dalton’s untimely passing as the elders are preparing to put the casket containing his earthly remains onto a plane for the trip home, President Beecroft gave that stirring impromptu, ad hoc assurance concerning the reality of the resurrection and of how Elder Dalton had given his earthly life in the service of our Heavenly Father, finding his eternal life in the process—and how his missionaries (and, by extension, all who labor in God’s service) were and are doing the same.

I also appreciated his assurance that the Lord still could work through those missionaries, notwithstanding their imperfections.  It makes me feel as though there might even be hope for me on that score in the various roles I have fulfilled (albeit imperfectly) in the Church.  (As much as our personalities might not have “meshed,” I’m willing to give my first mission president the benefit of a doubt similar to the one I gave President Beecroft.  After all, the latter is merely a fictional character.)

Bottom line?  I was not perfect then, and I’m not perfect now.  I know that no matter what I do, I will still be one of the “unprofitable servants” of whom King Benjamin spoke.  My efforts often are inadequate, my weaknesses many, and my virtues few.  Like Nephi, “my heart groaneth because of my sins”; but, also like Nephi, “I know in whom I have trusted.”  And I know, as Moroni taught, that there are moments, few and fleeting though they may be, in which, by the grace of God, I am “perfect in Christ,” and that, as I do what Nephi taught and “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ and a love of God and of all men,” one day, I will have Eternal Life.


  1.  Ken K. Gourdin (2003) My Story: Lots of Good, Some Bad, and a Little Ugly in the First 32 Years 108-109.  Collierville, Tenn.: Instantpublisher.com (hereinafter My Story.
  2. Elder Dallin H. Oaks (October 2003) “Timing,” accessed on line at the following address on August 4, 2016: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2003/10/timing?lang=eng.
  3.  My Story 109-110.
  4. My Story 165-166.

Update, June 2, 2014: A Brief Thought on the Follow-up to God’s Army, God’s Army 2: States of Grace – Warning: Here Be Spoilers.  If you’ve never seen it and are thinking you might want to do so, you might want to come back after you do.  The film tells the story of the intersection of the lives of Elders Farrell (Lucas Fleischer) and Lozano (Ignacio Serrichio); their neighbor, Holly (Rachel Emmers); Louis, a homeless, alcoholic street preacher – in this case, perhaps the appellation “beach preacher” would be more appropriate – (Jo-sei Ikeda); a gangster and unlikely Mormon, convert, Carl (Lamont Stephens); Carl’s younger brother, Todd (Allah Chapman); and their grandmother, Mae (J.J. Boone).

Lozano and Farrell are caught in the crossfire of a gang shooting, and Lozano ends up saving Carl by bandaging his wounds, and the Elders end up teaching him the Gospel as promulgated by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  The missionaries break with protocol by hosting Louis, whom they find on the beach in a drunken stupor, in their apartment and asking Holly to check in on him while they’re out proselyting.

Holly later bares her soul to Ferrell, leading them to foster a closer relationship than missionary rules allow (missionaries are expected to devote their total time and attention to church duties during their terms of service, forsaking such pursuits as dating – let alone not engaging in nonmarital intimate relationships).  Ferrell tells Holly that there is nothing she has done for which God will not forgive her.  Lozano wakes early one morning to find Ferrell absent, later realizing that he and Holly had paired off.  Distraught that this breach of mission protocol will lead to his being sent home in dishonor, Ferrell attempts suicide.

I wrote the following today about the film on Mormon Dialogue & Discussion:

I had resisted (re-)watching God’s Army 2: States of Grace because of the differences in tone between it and its predecessor. There’s more sex (granted, it’s just implied) and violence in the latter than in the former, so perhaps it wasn’t appropriate for Sunday-night viewing (or, some would argue, for viewing period).  Holly showing up during the manger scene and holding Elder Farrell’s hand before he holds the Baby Jesus strikes me as more than a bit of dramatic license.  Had I been the mission president, I would have given Elder Farrell an armed guard to keep them apart. 😉 Then I thought, “Well, that ship already has sailed; perhaps the thinking is that, well, the ‘damage’ already has been done on that score.”)  I still like the original the best, but I have to admit that the themes of sin, of repentance, and of redemption through Christ’s Atonement are powerfully portrayed.  A couple of my favorite lines:

Elder Lozano, when he and Elder Farrell are debating giving Louis shelter in their apartment: “Are we going to keep the rules, or are we going to keep the commandments?”

Holly to Elder Farrell (aka “Scott”; I mean, if you’re gonna do The Old Hippity-Dippity with someone, you’d better be on a first-name basis with him or her, right?   Sorry) when the latter is in the hospital following his suicide attempt: “You don’t have to die for your sins, Scott.  I think somebody already did that.”

And of course, the manger scene is powerful.  More dramatic license, because if I’m a new mom, I ain’t lettin’ strangers hold my child, much less pass him or her around (if you look at the credits, Baby Jesus was played by a goyl), but, still powerful.


About kenngo1969

Just as others must breathe to live, I must write. I have been writing creatively almost ever since I learned to write, period! I have written fiction, book- and article-length nonfiction, award-winning poetry, news, sports, features, and op-eds. I hope, one day, to write some motivational nonfiction, a decent-selling novel, a stage play, and a screen play.
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8 Responses to God’s Army and My Own Mission

  1. john hoyle says:

    Ken, sorry to sound so uninformed, but what is MTC? ‘Mormon Tabernacle Choir’?

  2. john H says:

    Oops you can delete that! thanks.

  3. john H says:

    Would you rather I not ask you questions here? I understand that is not the purpose of your blog and don’t want to coopt this space or distract from it’s content with posts. But if questions here are ok, How did you become a Mormon / how long/ what led you to join this Church?

  4. kenngo1969 says:


    Thanks for reading the blog and for taking the time to comment. The first reference is the unabbreviated “Missionary Training Center,” subsequently “MTC.” Sorry for any confusion. While my parents did not participate fully in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for the first few years of my life, they always sent my brother and me to meetings. Eventually, it dawned on them that they did not want to be “do as I say, not as I do” parents, and both of them gradually rediscovered the faith of their youth and began to participate fully once again.

    This may be difficult for someone who did not grow up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to understand, but I cannot remember a time when I doubted the Church’s truth claims. That is not to say that I did not (and do not) have questions about them. Questions are inevitable; doubt and faith, however, are choices. I choose to believe because of the good fruit that the Church and its teachings have borne in my life. I welcome any further questions you might have. Mormon.org is an excellent resource.

  5. john says:

    I’m going to discuss with you what I perceive as differences in the approaches to Religion that Catholics and Latter-Day-Saints might have. I hope by doing so to gain the privilege of your valued insights on this.
    In no way are any of my statements meant as condemnation or ridicule of either Religion of any kind. This will contain information on the Religion which I was brought up in, if gaining such knowledge would be counter to your doctrine, then please let me know and we can discontinue this. Also, of course, if the imposition on your time is burdensome, please be honest, and again, this talk need not resume. I don’t wish to burden anyone, nor take advantage of a person’s perceived obligation to discuss religious subjects. You spent your time as a Missionary with great effort and struggle. If this adds to your efforts in any way, then I would ask you to please be honest and admit it to me. I can find a person who might choose to have these discussions. I value you more than a Missionary. You have more experience now, and carry fewer burdens in terms of any need to convert. This need, I believe, may put an artificial aspect to an open communication, as one may tend to assume a ‘role’ consciously or without being aware.
    First, my religious background ‘credentials’: I grew up Catholic, attended Catholic school from K-8 and was taught by Catholic Nuns, my Parents were Catholic, as were my Mothers parents for unknown generations. All of my relatives (Mother’s side) are Catholic, every Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, etc. I have little exposure to other religions, and LDS are nearly non-existent even in my extended world.
    At 50 years old, I’ve attended only one family wedding that involved a non-Catholic, and I’ve attended many, and that was a mixed ceremony of two religions, it’s was quite a beautiful and enlightening ceremony, by the way.
    I believe that nearly all of my extended family is indeed very good, upright and moral people, some of very high accomplishment. I myself have a College Degree and am well respected by my family, neighbors and coworkers.
    I believe that as a Catholic, the level religious of obligation is much smaller than with Mormons, this stems from a different level of obligation to the Church as well as a different perception in who we are in the church.
    As Catholics we are the flock. Saints, to the Catholic, serve as examples of those we should emulate. Saints also serve, through prayer to them, as intercessors to Jesus, thus Saints can advocate on our behalf. Saints can even perform miracles but always in Jesus Name. In our Churches we have statues of Saints who are held in such reverence that we name Churches and Cathedrals after them, and create beautiful art commemorating them. We recognize day’s on which events involving Saints took place.
    Thus we are taught that Saints were very exceptional in life. Few would believe, and nearly none would state, that they could live up to the standards of the revered Saints.
    The Mormon beliefs, as I see them, are that they are indeed “Latter Day Saints”, with all the grave and austere behavioral and moral expectations implied. The LDS Mormon has the obligation of being, and of behaving, as a Saint.
    Taken in context this creates a much easier religious life for Catholics than that which I perceive of the Mormons. We live knowing that we have a good deal of separation between us and those ‘distant’ and elevated Saints. This tends to relieve some responsibility of action and behavior. Our expectation is to strive to become more, but not necessarily to be, Saint-like.
    Remediation. We are human and all have faults. I’m sure that all religions include some means of redeeming oneself. I do not know the means of the LDS. With Catholic, any shortfall, called sin, is remediated by a Confession of it to a Priest. This involves admission of the fault. Recognition of being contrite in heart due to ones realization of sin and its effect on our relationship to God or Jesus. Then In remorse, a pledge to, with the help of God, not repeat this behavior. This is all done through a prayer, (Act of Contrition), which I believe is eloquently stated. The Priest absolves us by interceding through prayers to Jesus. There is always some act, commonly a pledge to engage in directed prayer, which must be performed to attain forgiveness and remediation.
    I don’t know the means that LDS use to remediate themselves with ‘Heavenly Father ( I think this is your term for who we call God) and Church. But I suspect it is more direct without another person who intervenes. While speaking ones sins to a Priest may seem intimidating, I’d think that ultimately directly addressing God or Jesus with ones sins may carry a greater impact. I suspect that the ‘middle gear’ of the interceding confessor again relieves the individual some level of responsibility. There is not as grave a fear as being judged by one ‘higher up’.
    The Mormon’s as I see it, carry four major obligations, attend Church, be Saintly, tithe, and help others. We Catholics also carry the first three, but tithing is not a requirement nor formalized. I noted when watching the video “Utah’s White Palace” the mention of a ‘Tithing House’, this indicates that tithing was a well-organized activity, at least at one time.
    Social Connotation. It seems that the Mormon Church actively strives to create a strong social bond between members. The more central ones Church is to one’s social life, the greater the harm in not attending or not being in good grace with the Church. This is not the case with the Catholic Church. As all obligations tend to defer to social life, the Mormon is much more enjoined to follow the precepts of Tithing, Attendance, and helping others.
    Helping Others: Catholicism is not a proselytizing Religion. You will probably never see a Catholic go from ‘door to door’. This, I believe make the practice much less of a burden. And I do worry ,here ,that you are addressing this discussion out of a Religious obligation. As stated before, I would strongly object to this, and hope that you would be sincere enough to inform me of this, as I am asking it of you in sincerity.
    On the whole it’s clear that Catholicism carry’s much less ‘investment’ than (what I perceive) Mormons LDS does. So why any interest in the LDS Mormon people?
    That’s very easy.
    What the Mormon’s have heads and shoulders above the rest. Leadership. Your leaders have both intellectual as well as insightful knowledge. Whatever means is used by the LDS to promote ‘Elders’ seems to bring the very finest of people to the top. The inspirational talks I’ve seen do not exist elsewhere. The “Mormon” I once knew evoked integrity. At 50 years old, you are the 2nd ‘Mormon’ I’ve ever really spoken to, other than a few posts on the discussion site. I don’t think even you fully comprehend the scarcity of the LDS here. (I’ve seen more comets than LDS members, and I don’t make any effort to see comets) Judging from the many video’s I’ve watched, and the message I’ve read, the Mormon is also generally a more intellectual person, like yourself. They enjoy pondering subjects deeply, reflecting on them, and bringing well considered insights. Mormon’s will invest endlessly in seemingly mundane issues, I very much admire this. One post I read, for example, examined a persons belief that a certain talk had some element which didn’t conform to ‘doctrine’. Believe me, You’d not find many of other churches so absorbed.
    I believe the combination of intellectual analysis, community focus, and religious expectations of behavior and lifestyle, combine to create a system which produces the wonders that are your elders. Which bring us to the ‘gold’ find of LDS discover:
    Without the likes of Mr’s Christofferson, Monson, Eyring, I would not be speaking to you now. But the talks I’ve seen them give indicate strong understanding of the human condition and the relation of it to the spiritual.
    Thank You again, Sincerely; John

  6. john says:

    Hello Ken, I’ve ordered my ‘large print’ Book of Mormon, not the free one as I don’t want to burden anyone even slightly financially. I’m sure it’s for me to read, reflect and think and pray. So this is for me to do. It is narcissistic and self-centered to talk to other’s about ones religion, and to assume it would be a topic anyone would choose to discuss. Thinking otherwise is a selfish and therefore insidious form of delusion, and is not one I’ll any longer allow of myself. It doesn’t really take help to read a book, only a light and a proper attitude, and I’ve finally gained that, after too much talking and not enough doing. Thanks for your internet presence, I enjoy your works. – John

  7. Pingback: Laughing At Mormons | My Blog

  8. Pingback: The Power of The One | My Blog

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